Feeling All The Feels Disorder

My biggest stumbling block is relationships. When a man is interested in me, I get way too excited. And when a man dumps me, I get WAY too sad. That’s my mood disorder. Those are the times I always wind up in my worst places. But why is feeling feelings a “disorder?” Why is it so “shameful?”

One of my favorite episodes of “King of the Hill” has Hank talking to Luanne about losing her boyfriend. This is exactly what I feel like people expect you to do?

HANK: Luanne, sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Now there’s two ways you can deal with it. You can cry — and that’s the path you’ve chosen — or you can not cry.
LUANNE: How do you not cry?
HANK: Well, instead of letting it out, try holding it in. Every time you have a feeling, just stick it into a little pit inside your stomach and never let it out.
LUANNE (trying it): Are you supposed to have a pain under your rib?
HANK: Yes. That’s natural. The body doesn’t want to swallow its emotions. But now you go ahead and put that pain inside your stomach too.
LUANNE: I think it’s workin’, Uncle Hank. I feel sick, but not sad.

 

 

So few men have EVER been interested in me, why wouldn’t I feel so many feels when they come and when they go?

Now, there are “relationships” without emotional attachments. And I’ve gotten to the point where I can deal with those without falling into my own emotional morass.

But what I want is a deep emotional relationship where he doesn’t leave me wallowing in my own sorrow and grief because he’s left me. I want him to finally stay. To finally choo-choo-choose me.

 

 

Why, when someone breaks your heart, is it so wrong to admit you’re broken. Why, after six months, do people expect you should be over it, and think you should just move on?

It’s getting harder and harder and harder to put myself out there. The rejection is too hard – too soul crushing. When the person you’ll love always ghosts you, why would you ever want to try again?

Starting Over

I haven’t posted in three years. Wow.

So much has happened in three years.

Now emotionally better than I was over those years.

But H, my one true love, left me in May.

I’m broken. And I’m on the edge again.

How much truth can I tell about my life? That’s one reason I stopped writing here. Every truth I tell seems to be something somebody tells me I shouldn’t share. But MY story is what makes for interesting writing, and is the writing I NEED to do. I could write about current events. But 2 million more qualified people are.

I’m the only story I have to tell.

So how much “risk” can I take? If it were up to me, I would only keep names secret.

The first person I had sex with told me that I told too much of the truth. That’s always haunted me. That fact comes back in my life again and again. It seems like everything I want and NEED to tell the truth about is something I’m not supposed to.

I was raised to tell the truth, so except for me telling you your ugly blouse is pretty, I don’t really know how to NOT tell the truth. Especially about myself. I’m an oversharer.

I want so much to write my life. I NEED so much to write my life and share it with other people who might need to hear it. But apparently doing that puts me at risk. That’s the same cultural norm that crushes and silences other people who need to tell their truths. And It’s not like I’m one of those people with a $500,000 job or a husband, or kids that could be affected. I have very little to lose. But what I DO have I can’t afford to lose. And it’s still so much to risk. Despite the fact my story isn’t even that different from anybody else’s.

I have so much to say. But I feel like there’s very little I can say.

So much has happened in the last three years. I’ve gotten over Boo. I’ve gotten laid off. I got a new job. I got fired. I struggled for two years to find another job.

Things got bad. Things got better. H came back. Things got AMAZING! Then he ghosted and things got a lot worse. And I went broke. ($$$)

So why should talking about your financial struggles, addiction, your mental illness, your sexual assault, your relationship issues, your sadness, shame and grief be a risk to your livelihood?

What is wrong with us. This IS what’s wrong with us.

They say, “Your secrets keep you sick.” So where are the safe spaces to share them? Why can’t we be safe sharing our secrets with the world? Every “secret” I’m afraid to share is because of how someone else “might” judge it and use it against me. Killing someone is a secret it might seem reasonable to hide. Taking meds for having a mood disorder shouldn’t need be and struggling to live with a broken heart shouldn’t either.

Pride Atlanta 2015 – St. Mark UMC & Parade

This gallery contains 229 photos.

St. Mark UMC Diversity Worship Service – Pride Week Atlanta 2015

Awesome Jazz@781 Prelude, then the service begins at 24:30.

Looking Forward

It’s back to school next week for kids here in the south and birthdays and holidays will be here before you know it! Here are some of the things I’m excited about for the rest of 2015:

Links of the Week – July 17, 2015

 

* ‘The Fried Chicken Capital’: Where Racial Progress Began Along The Rails

* When I’m Walking With Someone And Casually Trying To Fix A Wedgie

* The Geeky Hooker

* Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake On A Brownie Crust

* This Cute Pup Has Only Half His Body, But He’ll Win Over Your Whole Heart

* We Don’t Know What Store Employs Costumed Guinea Pigs…

* 12 Signs She’s The Type Of Girl You Should Marry

* Baby Girl Gets Her First Glasses, Can See Clearly For The First Time – (Amazing! Your heart will EXPLODE!)

* PostSecret: Yes

* PostSecret: Awkward

* PostSecret: Flag

* The Secret History Of Black Baseball Players In Japan

* Cat Fur To Make Kitten Britches: Fine, 43. You win. Whatever. – (Blog post of the week AND my life.)

* Demonia Disorder 3-Strap Combat Boots

* Archie McPhee Coloring Books

* MLB Unveils Greatest Living Players, Franchise Four 

* Tree Planting Tradition Of Cosmonauts Continues With Space Shuttle Mission

* 26 Things That Are Definitely Completely Legit

* This Guy’s Instagram Account About Being A Third-Wheel Is Heartbreakingly Hilarious

* What Happens When You Make Hawaiian Rolls With Mountain Dew

* Peanut Butter Swirl Chocolate Chip Brownies

* Fashion It So: Star Trek: TNG – Episode 7:23 – Emergence – (Hysterical as usual! 😀 )

* Poll: Which MLB Position Player Had The Best Pitching Performance This Season? – (David Ross! My secret boyfriend!)

* Parents Dedicate New Safe Space To Daughter Who Felt Weird In Class Once – (Perfect!)

* Accidental Devotional: Don’t Let Scarcity Steal Your Encouragement – (Don’t just think it. Tell them how much they mean!)

* Is This The Solution To ‘Throw Away’ Kids? – (Yes! More of this!)

* New York Times Cooking: Our Most Divine Chocolate Recipes

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“Just how and when we tell the truth – or keep silent – can often reveal the difference between genuine integrity and none at all.”

– Best of Bill, Bill W.

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Links of the Week – July 10, 2015

* What A Shot! 38 Amazing Sports Photos

* Breathtaking Ruins Of The Soviet Space Shuttle Program

* Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue in Miss USA Debacle

* Mango-Lemon-Buttermilk Icebox Pie

* Ending A Conversation With My Crush

* Aww! Watch This Rescue Kitten Grow Up With His Golden Retriever BFF

* LA Police Unit Intervenes To Get Mentally Ill Treatment, Not Jail Time

* The MLB Manager Tree – (“The following managerial ‘tree’ connects all 30 current major league managers back to either John McGraw, Connie Mack or Miller Huggins, Hall of Famers who played for Ned Hanlon, ‘The Father of Modern Baseball.'”)

* PostSecret: Catnap

* PostSecret: Hold

* PostSecret: Waste – (It never matters…)

* Milk Chocolate Cookie and Cream Cookies

* South Dakota Man, 101, Competes In National Senior Games – (Throwers gonna throw!)

* Gaslighting Is A Common Victim-Blaming Abuse Tactic – Here Are 4 Ways To Recognize It In Your Life

* What If We Treated All Consent Like Society Treats Sexual Consent

* 7 Reasons The Kindest People Are Actually The Strongest

* Star Trek Yeoman Martha Landon Kicks Much Vaalian Ass!

* Star Trek Voyager’s Seven of Nine On Dealing With Sexual Harassment

* “What’s attractive about a man who isn’t excited as hell to be with you?…”

* Jimmy Carter: “I Believe Jesus Would Approve Gay Marriage”

* Blog Post Of The Week: You Saw Me

* 1972 Hartford Whalers Jersey – (So beautiful it makes my heart ache!)

* The Pirates Banded Together To Save The Grounds Crew From The Tarp Monster

* Child Therapist Excited To Actually Be Seeing Patient With Psychological Issues

* This Bozo From The Audience Tried To Charge His Phone ONSTAGE In The Middle Of A Broadway Play

* Colorado Teen Pregnancy Drops 40% — How They Did It

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“‘He wasn’t evil, Miss Cora,’ I finally said, still choking back sobs. ‘He wasn’t. He wasn’t.’

‘I know, chile,’ she interrupted, kissing my forehead. ‘He was a sick man. Sickness took all reason from him. Same as with a lot of folks. I ‘speck there is very few evil folks. Just a whole lot of sick folks.'”

– Drinking From A Bitter Cup, Angela Jackson-Brown

“I don’t believe in happily ever after, but I do believe in happy right now. And right now, I am happy. But more than my being happy, I am not frightened anymore.”

– Drinking From A Bitter Cup, Angela Jackson-Brown

“Because Grace bats last.”

– Anne Lamott

“If love is a casserole, which I believe it is, then an icebox pie is the first kiss…”

– Lisa Donovan, Southern Living – June 2015, p. 88

“I’d been put into a box long before, after all. Each of us has. Are you the ‘difficult’ child or the ‘histrionic’ lover, the ‘argumentative’ sibling or the ‘long-suffering’ spouse? Boxes make us easier to understand, but they also imprison us because people don’t see past them.”

– Ghost Boy – Martin Pistorius

“Whatever else they talk about, though, I’ve come to know that there are three topics women will return to again and again in conversation: their husbands, who are often a disappointment; their children, who are usually wonderful; and their weight, which is always too high. Again and again, I hear them commiserate with each other about how difficult it is to make men more responsible and diets more effective. While I don’t understand their problems with their husbands, my heart always sinks when ever I hear them talk about calorie counting. Women seem to think they go on diets in order to feel happier, but I know from experience that this isn’t true. In fact, I can safely say that the less women eat, the grumpier they get.”

– Ghost Boy – Martin Pistorius

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Links of the Week – July 3, 2015

Luminosity

* Me After Every Day At The Office

* When Someone Asks Me Substantive Questions Of What I Do

* 10 Things You Can’t Do While Following Jesus

* 10 POLITICAL Things You Can’t Do While Following Jesus

* 10 Things You Need To Be Okay With If You Want A Happy Relationship

* 27 Pictures The Perfectly Sum Up Your Life

* Zack Hunt : A Word Of Warning To My Fellow Christians About Same-Sex Marriage

* Star Trek Uglydolls – (WANT!)

* Anti-intellectualism Is Killing America – (Absolutely.)

* Extra Tiny Customized Pet Portrait Fiber Friends

* Hawks Unveil Plan To Win By Damaging Opponents’ Retinas

* How To Change The World From Your Couch – (One person CAN change the world!)

* Mini Peanut Butter And Chocolate Baked Doughnuts

* “Night Burgers” – Bob’s Burgers – ( ❤ ❤ ❤ )

* Joseph Michael: Luminosity

* It Doesn’t Matter That We Don’t Speak Or Read Japanese

* Researchers Say Virgin Mary Actually God’s Second Choice To Bear Son – (“There came a time, the parchment suggests, when God confided to Erica that He couldn’t ‘wait around forever…'”)

* Julia: Super Special Summer Family Togetherness

* This Dude Challenged Himself To Wear Heels All Day And Wanted To Die – (Women too, y’all. We’re just dumb enough to keep doing it.)

* Transgender Swimmer Given Choice Of Harvard’s Men’s Or Women’s Teams

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“We are all important, but not for the reasons we think.”
– Anonymous

“I am trying to do what I can to love, today. Can anything else be more important?”
– Anonymous

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How Do I Love Myself?

 

Contrary to popular belief, depressed people desperately want to feel better. I know this from my own experience. For me, the self-loathing and apathy were excruciating. I would pray and pray and pray that God would fix me, or would send me a man who would fix me. But neither of those things would ever happen no matter how often or how feverishly I hoped and prayed. Eventually I was so sad and hopeless I pondered jumping off my 20th floor balcony. I sat with a noose around my neck. I felt like I was being swallowed whole by my mere existence.

When I came out of that funk, I was terrified by where I’d been. I felt like I’d been balancing on a tightrope over the pit of hell. I never wanted to be swallowed up by that fear and emptiness and darkness ever again. I knew I had to take my life into my own hands and stop waiting on someone or something else to change me.

I hate pablum and cliches. So I am often too cynical and sardonic to “lower myself” to follow simple, common advice from friends and family. But at this point I was willing to try anything, even things other people had suggested. (How gauche! :rolleyes:)

I had to get off the couch, stop isolating and get back into the world. I started going to AA meetings again. I let myself enjoy food that was fattening. I volunteered to work with FurKids, an agency that works to rescue and find homes for homeless cats and dogs. I continued to be active in my church.

Yes. All the things that people had been telling me to do for years.

Even though it was sometimes tiring, and I was socially engaged more often than I really liked, I quickly realized that I was feeling better. Part of it was being with people. Part of it was spending three hours a week playing with kittens. Part of it was the serenity I found in other women’s stories in AA. Part of it was Ben & Jerry. And frankly, lots of times it was just being too busy to worry about all the things and people in the past and the future that I’d been obsessing and worrying about.

Man, it was an incredible relief! I was starting to feel like myself again. The weight was lifting off my shoulders. I actually looked forward to things a couple of times! I felt like everything was finally coming back together.

But one piece of advice that I’d been told over and over still kept nagging at me. “You have to love yourself.”

Well how the hell do you do that?!? I can’t just will myself to fall in love with the next guy I meet. How can I do that with myself. Love is one of those things you either feel or you don’t.

So, with no answers, I just went on and kept trying to open myself up to people and stay active and be less critical of myself and others. I said the Serenity Prayer out loud a lot. I felt so much more in control of my life. But there was still that unscratched itch at the thought of how to love myself.

And then one day, out of the blue, it occurred to me. DERP!  I’ve always thought about love as a feeling. But turns out, love is a verb!

It’s the way we act, and the way we treat and care for ourselves and others! You are kind to yourself. You do nice things for yourself. You forgive yourself. You treat yourself as you’d treat your neighbor. THAT is how you love yourself. Turns out love isn’t a feeling; it’s an action.

It had been that simple all along and I was just too smart to see it.

❤ ❤ ❤

 

Judgement Belongs to God

Written by United Methodist Bishop Melvin G. Talbert

“I am a life-long United Methodist.

Early on in my ministry, I did not approve of gay and lesbian people because I thought I knew God’s Word regarding this issue.

While attending a church gathering in Boston in the mid-1970s, I met a very charming young lady, let’s call her Jane. She did not fit the stereotypical image I had of gay people. The event was designed to allow straight and gay people to get to know each other without knowing our vocations or sexual orientation. During our final session together, we were invited to divulge our vocations and our sexual identity.

When Jane shared that she was gay, she shook the foundation of what I had always thought and been taught about gay people. I had to reexamine my beliefs.

In Matthew, Jesus says, ‘Do not judge, so that you may not be judged.’ Then and there, I promised God that I would never again discriminate against any persons because of their sexual orientation.

Reflecting on my involvement with the Civil Rights movement, I was reminded of how it feels to experience marginalization and oppression. I have always had a loving quarrel with my church because of what it did to my people over the years.

I slowly came to realize that, like the disciples, I had been blind to the truth that was right in front of me. Gay and lesbian people, just like people of color, are members of God’s human family.

So, I have come to the realization that we are all children of God in the process of being saved by God’s grace. Therefore, we do not have the right to deny another child of God his/her place at God’s table. By God’s grace, we are granted the privilege to invite all people to God’s table. But it is not our call to judge who is worthy. Only God can make that call.

Reflecting on scripture, tradition, experience and reason, my mind was changed on the issue of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Christians in the church. We all belong to God.“