Feeling All The Feels Disorder

My biggest stumbling block is relationships. When a man is interested in me, I get way too excited. And when a man dumps me, I get WAY too sad. That’s my mood disorder. Those are the times I always wind up in my worst places. But why is feeling feelings a “disorder?” Why is it so “shameful?”

One of my favorite episodes of “King of the Hill” has Hank talking to Luanne about losing her boyfriend. This is exactly what I feel like people expect you to do?

HANK: Luanne, sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Now there’s two ways you can deal with it. You can cry — and that’s the path you’ve chosen — or you can not cry.
LUANNE: How do you not cry?
HANK: Well, instead of letting it out, try holding it in. Every time you have a feeling, just stick it into a little pit inside your stomach and never let it out.
LUANNE (trying it): Are you supposed to have a pain under your rib?
HANK: Yes. That’s natural. The body doesn’t want to swallow its emotions. But now you go ahead and put that pain inside your stomach too.
LUANNE: I think it’s workin’, Uncle Hank. I feel sick, but not sad.

 

 

So few men have EVER been interested in me, why wouldn’t I feel so many feels when they come and when they go?

Now, there are “relationships” without emotional attachments. And I’ve gotten to the point where I can deal with those without falling into my own emotional morass.

But what I want is a deep emotional relationship where he doesn’t leave me wallowing in my own sorrow and grief because he’s left me. I want him to finally stay. To finally choo-choo-choose me.

 

 

Why, when someone breaks your heart, is it so wrong to admit you’re broken. Why, after six months, do people expect you should be over it, and think you should just move on?

It’s getting harder and harder and harder to put myself out there. The rejection is too hard – too soul crushing. When the person you’ll love always ghosts you, why would you ever want to try again?

Starting Over

I haven’t posted in three years. Wow.

So much has happened in three years.

Now emotionally better than I was over those years.

But H, my one true love, left me in May.

I’m broken. And I’m on the edge again.

How much truth can I tell about my life? That’s one reason I stopped writing here. Every truth I tell seems to be something somebody tells me I shouldn’t share. But MY story is what makes for interesting writing, and is the writing I NEED to do. I could write about current events. But 2 million more qualified people are.

I’m the only story I have to tell.

So how much “risk” can I take? If it were up to me, I would only keep names secret.

The first person I had sex with told me that I told too much of the truth. That’s always haunted me. That fact comes back in my life again and again. It seems like everything I want and NEED to tell the truth about is something I’m not supposed to.

I was raised to tell the truth, so except for me telling you your ugly blouse is pretty, I don’t really know how to NOT tell the truth. Especially about myself. I’m an oversharer.

I want so much to write my life. I NEED so much to write my life and share it with other people who might need to hear it. But apparently doing that puts me at risk. That’s the same cultural norm that crushes and silences other people who need to tell their truths. And It’s not like I’m one of those people with a $500,000 job or a husband, or kids that could be affected. I have very little to lose. But what I DO have I can’t afford to lose. And it’s still so much to risk. Despite the fact my story isn’t even that different from anybody else’s.

I have so much to say. But I feel like there’s very little I can say.

So much has happened in the last three years. I’ve gotten over Boo. I’ve gotten laid off. I got a new job. I got fired. I struggled for two years to find another job.

Things got bad. Things got better. H came back. Things got AMAZING! Then he ghosted and things got a lot worse. And I went broke. ($$$)

So why should talking about your financial struggles, addiction, your mental illness, your sexual assault, your relationship issues, your sadness, shame and grief be a risk to your livelihood?

What is wrong with us. This IS what’s wrong with us.

They say, “Your secrets keep you sick.” So where are the safe spaces to share them? Why can’t we be safe sharing our secrets with the world? Every “secret” I’m afraid to share is because of how someone else “might” judge it and use it against me. Killing someone is a secret it might seem reasonable to hide. Taking meds for having a mood disorder shouldn’t need be and struggling to live with a broken heart shouldn’t either.

Links of the Week – July 17, 2015

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* ‘The Fried Chicken Capital’: Where Racial Progress Began Along The Rails

* When I’m Walking With Someone And Casually Trying To Fix A Wedgie

* The Geeky Hooker
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* Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake On A Brownie Crust

* This Cute Pup Has Only Half His Body, But He’ll Win Over Your Whole Heart

* We Don’t Know What Store Employs Costumed Guinea Pigs…

* 12 Signs She’s The Type Of Girl You Should Marry

* Baby Girl Gets Her First Glasses, Can See Clearly For The First Time – (Amazing! Your heart will EXPLODE!)

* PostSecret: Yes

* PostSecret: Awkward

* PostSecret: Flag
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* The Secret History Of Black Baseball Players In Japan

* Cat Fur To Make Kitten Britches: Fine, 43. You win. Whatever. – (Blog post of the week AND my life.)

* Demonia Disorder 3-Strap Combat Boots

* Archie McPhee Coloring Books
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* MLB Unveils Greatest Living Players, Franchise Four 

* Tree Planting Tradition Of Cosmonauts Continues With Space Shuttle Mission

* 26 Things That Are Definitely Completely Legit
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* This Guy’s Instagram Account About Being A Third-Wheel Is Heartbreakingly Hilarious

* What Happens When You Make Hawaiian Rolls With Mountain Dew

* Peanut Butter Swirl Chocolate Chip Brownies

* Fashion It So: Star Trek: TNG – Episode 7:23 – Emergence – (Hysterical as usual! 😀 )

* Poll: Which MLB Position Player Had The Best Pitching Performance This Season? – (David Ross! My secret boyfriend!)

* Parents Dedicate New Safe Space To Daughter Who Felt Weird In Class Once – (Perfect!)

* Accidental Devotional: Don’t Let Scarcity Steal Your Encouragement – (Don’t just think it. Tell them how much they mean!)

* Is This The Solution To ‘Throw Away’ Kids? – (Yes! More of this!)

* New York Times Cooking: Our Most Divine Chocolate Recipes
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“Just how and when we tell the truth – or keep silent – can often reveal the difference between genuine integrity and none at all.”

Best of Bill, Bill W.

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Links of the Week – July 10, 2015

dodgerivy

What A Shot! 38 Amazing Sports Photos

* Breathtaking Ruins Of The Soviet Space Shuttle Program

* Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue in Miss USA Debacle

* Mango-Lemon-Buttermilk Icebox Pie

* Ending A Conversation With My Crush

* Aww! Watch This Rescue Kitten Grow Up With His Golden Retriever BFF

* LA Police Unit Intervenes To Get Mentally Ill Treatment, Not Jail Time

* The MLB Manager Tree – (“The following managerial ‘tree’ connects all 30 current major league managers back to either John McGraw, Connie Mack or Miller Huggins, Hall of Famers who played for Ned Hanlon, ‘The Father of Modern Baseball.'”)
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* PostSecret: Catnap

* PostSecret: Hold

* PostSecret: Waste – (It never matters…)

* Milk Chocolate Cookie and Cream Cookies
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* South Dakota Man, 101, Competes In National Senior Games – (Throwers gonna throw!)

* Gaslighting Is A Common Victim-Blaming Abuse Tactic – Here Are 4 Ways To Recognize It In Your Life

* What If We Treated All Consent Like Society Treats Sexual Consent

* 7 Reasons The Kindest People Are Actually The Strongest

* Star Trek Yeoman Martha Landon Kicks Much Vaalian Ass!

* Star Trek Voyager’s Seven of Nine On Dealing With Sexual Harassment
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* “What’s attractive about a man who isn’t excited as hell to be with you?…”

* Jimmy Carter: “I Believe Jesus Would Approve Gay Marriage”

* Blog Post Of The Week: You Saw Me

* 1972 Hartford Whalers Jersey – (So beautiful it makes my heart ache!)

* The Pirates Banded Together To Save The Grounds Crew From The Tarp Monster
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* Child Therapist Excited To Actually Be Seeing Patient With Psychological Issues

* This Bozo From The Audience Tried To Charge His Phone ONSTAGE In The Middle Of A Broadway Play

* Colorado Teen Pregnancy Drops 40% — How They Did It

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“‘He wasn’t evil, Miss Cora,’ I finally said, still choking back sobs. ‘He wasn’t. He wasn’t.’

‘I know, chile,’ she interrupted, kissing my forehead. ‘He was a sick man. Sickness took all reason from him. Same as with a lot of folks. I ‘speck there is very few evil folks. Just a whole lot of sick folks.'”

Drinking From A Bitter Cup, Angela Jackson-Brown

“I don’t believe in happily ever after, but I do believe in happy right now. And right now, I am happy. But more than my being happy, I am not frightened anymore.”

Drinking From A Bitter Cup, Angela Jackson-Brown

“Because Grace bats last.”

Anne Lamott

“If love is a casserole, which I believe it is, then an icebox pie is the first kiss…”

– Lisa Donovan, Southern Living – June 2015, p. 88

“I’d been put into a box long before, after all. Each of us has. Are you the ‘difficult’ child or the ‘histrionic’ lover, the ‘argumentative’ sibling or the ‘long-suffering’ spouse? Boxes make us easier to understand, but they also imprison us because people don’t see past them.”

Ghost Boy – Martin Pistorius

“Whatever else they talk about, though, I’ve come to know that there are three topics women will return to again and again in conversation: their husbands, who are often a disappointment; their children, who are usually wonderful; and their weight, which is always too high. Again and again, I hear them commiserate with each other about how difficult it is to make men more responsible and diets more effective. While I don’t understand their problems with their husbands, my heart always sinks when ever I hear them talk about calorie counting. Women seem to think they go on diets in order to feel happier, but I know from experience that this isn’t true. In fact, I can safely say that the less women eat, the grumpier they get.”

Ghost Boy – Martin Pistorius

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