Starting Over

I haven’t posted in three years. Wow.

So much has happened in three years.

Now emotionally better than I was over those years.

But H, my one true love, left me in May.

I’m broken. And I’m on the edge again.

How much truth can I tell about my life? That’s one reason I stopped writing here. Every truth I tell seems to be something somebody tells me I shouldn’t share. But MY story is what makes for interesting writing, and is the writing I NEED to do. I could write about current events. But 2 million more qualified people are.

I’m the only story I have to tell.

So how much “risk” can I take? If it were up to me, I would only keep names secret.

The first person I had sex with told me that I told too much of the truth. That’s always haunted me. That fact comes back in my life again and again. It seems like everything I want and NEED to tell the truth about is something I’m not supposed to.

I was raised to tell the truth, so except for me telling you your ugly blouse is pretty, I don’t really know how to NOT tell the truth. Especially about myself. I’m an oversharer.

I want so much to write my life. I NEED so much to write my life and share it with other people who might need to hear it. But apparently doing that puts me at risk. That’s the same cultural norm that crushes and silences other people who need to tell their truths. And It’s not like I’m one of those people with a $500,000 job or a husband, or kids that could be affected. I have very little to lose. But what I DO have I can’t afford to lose. And it’s still so much to risk. Despite the fact my story isn’t even that different from anybody else’s.

I have so much to say. But I feel like there’s very little I can say.

So much has happened in the last three years. I’ve gotten over Boo. I’ve gotten laid off. I got a new job. I got fired. I struggled for two years to find another job.

Things got bad. Things got better. H came back. Things got AMAZING! Then he ghosted and things got a lot worse. And I went broke. ($$$)

So why should talking about your financial struggles, addiction, your mental illness, your sexual assault, your relationship issues, your sadness, shame and grief be a risk to your livelihood?

What is wrong with us. This IS what’s wrong with us.

They say, “Your secrets keep you sick.” So where are the safe spaces to share them? Why can’t we be safe sharing our secrets with the world? Every “secret” I’m afraid to share is because of how someone else “might” judge it and use it against me. Killing someone is a secret it might seem reasonable to hide. Taking meds for having a mood disorder shouldn’t need be and struggling to live with a broken heart shouldn’t either.

Links of the Week – July 17, 2015

 

* ‘The Fried Chicken Capital’: Where Racial Progress Began Along The Rails

* When I’m Walking With Someone And Casually Trying To Fix A Wedgie

* The Geeky Hooker

* Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake On A Brownie Crust

* This Cute Pup Has Only Half His Body, But He’ll Win Over Your Whole Heart

* We Don’t Know What Store Employs Costumed Guinea Pigs…

* 12 Signs She’s The Type Of Girl You Should Marry

* Baby Girl Gets Her First Glasses, Can See Clearly For The First Time – (Amazing! Your heart will EXPLODE!)

* PostSecret: Yes

* PostSecret: Awkward

* PostSecret: Flag

* The Secret History Of Black Baseball Players In Japan

* Cat Fur To Make Kitten Britches: Fine, 43. You win. Whatever. – (Blog post of the week AND my life.)

* Demonia Disorder 3-Strap Combat Boots

* Archie McPhee Coloring Books

* MLB Unveils Greatest Living Players, Franchise Four 

* Tree Planting Tradition Of Cosmonauts Continues With Space Shuttle Mission

* 26 Things That Are Definitely Completely Legit

* This Guy’s Instagram Account About Being A Third-Wheel Is Heartbreakingly Hilarious

* What Happens When You Make Hawaiian Rolls With Mountain Dew

* Peanut Butter Swirl Chocolate Chip Brownies

* Fashion It So: Star Trek: TNG – Episode 7:23 – Emergence – (Hysterical as usual! 😀 )

* Poll: Which MLB Position Player Had The Best Pitching Performance This Season? – (David Ross! My secret boyfriend!)

* Parents Dedicate New Safe Space To Daughter Who Felt Weird In Class Once – (Perfect!)

* Accidental Devotional: Don’t Let Scarcity Steal Your Encouragement – (Don’t just think it. Tell them how much they mean!)

* Is This The Solution To ‘Throw Away’ Kids? – (Yes! More of this!)

* New York Times Cooking: Our Most Divine Chocolate Recipes

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“Just how and when we tell the truth – or keep silent – can often reveal the difference between genuine integrity and none at all.”

– Best of Bill, Bill W.

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How Do I Love Myself?

 

Contrary to popular belief, depressed people desperately want to feel better. I know this from my own experience. For me, the self-loathing and apathy were excruciating. I would pray and pray and pray that God would fix me, or would send me a man who would fix me. But neither of those things would ever happen no matter how often or how feverishly I hoped and prayed. Eventually I was so sad and hopeless I pondered jumping off my 20th floor balcony. I sat with a noose around my neck. I felt like I was being swallowed whole by my mere existence.

When I came out of that funk, I was terrified by where I’d been. I felt like I’d been balancing on a tightrope over the pit of hell. I never wanted to be swallowed up by that fear and emptiness and darkness ever again. I knew I had to take my life into my own hands and stop waiting on someone or something else to change me.

I hate pablum and cliches. So I am often too cynical and sardonic to “lower myself” to follow simple, common advice from friends and family. But at this point I was willing to try anything, even things other people had suggested. (How gauche! :rolleyes:)

I had to get off the couch, stop isolating and get back into the world. I started going to AA meetings again. I let myself enjoy food that was fattening. I volunteered to work with FurKids, an agency that works to rescue and find homes for homeless cats and dogs. I continued to be active in my church.

Yes. All the things that people had been telling me to do for years.

Even though it was sometimes tiring, and I was socially engaged more often than I really liked, I quickly realized that I was feeling better. Part of it was being with people. Part of it was spending three hours a week playing with kittens. Part of it was the serenity I found in other women’s stories in AA. Part of it was Ben & Jerry. And frankly, lots of times it was just being too busy to worry about all the things and people in the past and the future that I’d been obsessing and worrying about.

Man, it was an incredible relief! I was starting to feel like myself again. The weight was lifting off my shoulders. I actually looked forward to things a couple of times! I felt like everything was finally coming back together.

But one piece of advice that I’d been told over and over still kept nagging at me. “You have to love yourself.”

Well how the hell do you do that?!? I can’t just will myself to fall in love with the next guy I meet. How can I do that with myself. Love is one of those things you either feel or you don’t.

So, with no answers, I just went on and kept trying to open myself up to people and stay active and be less critical of myself and others. I said the Serenity Prayer out loud a lot. I felt so much more in control of my life. But there was still that unscratched itch at the thought of how to love myself.

And then one day, out of the blue, it occurred to me. DERP!  I’ve always thought about love as a feeling. But turns out, love is a verb!

It’s the way we act, and the way we treat and care for ourselves and others! You are kind to yourself. You do nice things for yourself. You forgive yourself. You treat yourself as you’d treat your neighbor. THAT is how you love yourself. Turns out love isn’t a feeling; it’s an action.

It had been that simple all along and I was just too smart to see it.

❤ ❤ ❤

 

Links of the Week – June 26, 2015

Love is written in the stars.

* Leaving My Parents’ House And Going Back To My Apartment

* When I Meet Somebody Cute Who’s Just As Cynical As Me

* Happy Captain Picard Day!

* Supreme Court Legalizes Gay Marriage – Nobody’s Head Explodes

* Openly Gay Dartmouth Runner Pays It Forward

* John Oliver On Online Harassment

* Women’s World Cup Of Arm Folding

* PostSecret: Dog Dad

* PostSecret: Afraid – (Totally.)

* Our Prayers For Emanuel AME Are Worthless

* Google Feud – (It’ll suck you in!)

* puravida Bracelets – ( ❤ ❤ ❤ )

* Supreme Court Legalizes Gay Marriage – Nobody’s Head Explodes

* Chocolate Pie – (Noms!)

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“Mama cupped my chin in her hand. ‘Don’t love me too much, Sylvia. Don’t love anybody too much. Keep just a little back. You understand, baby?'”

– Drinking From A Bitter Cup, Angela Jackson-Brown

“That was a turning point in my sobriety. Instead of always going to a meeting to feel good, there were more and more times when I went to a meeting to do good.”

– Anonymous

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Links of the Week – June 12, 2015

* Planets Of TOS – (The background paintings were the best!)

* Mom Dresses Cat In Daughter’s Crop Top To Prove How Small It Is

* Week-Long Camp Teaches Intellectually Challenged To Ride Bikes

* 17 Times The World Wasn’t All That Bad

* NASA Marks 50 Years Of Mission Control, Plans Apollo Room Restoration

* Learning To Leave The Past Behind In 5 Steps

* What Self-Love Means: 20 Ways To Be Good To Yourself

* NASA Aiming For Multiple Missions To Jupiter Moon Europa

* Winged Greek Leather Sandals – (Woot!!!)

* Lionel Richie T-Shirt – (Brilliant! 😀 )

* If You Love The Duggars But Not Caitlyn Jenner, What Credit Is That To You? – (Post of the week. All Christians in particular should read.)

* This Dad Took Some Incredible Color Photos Of His Hipster Daughter…In 1913

* There’s A Drive-Thru Waffle House In Stone Mountain!

* Saltine Ice Cream Sandwiches

* No, Your Favorite Food Is Not Like Crack – (Take note…)

* South African Veterinarians Intervene To Save Hope The Rhino

* 7 Habits I’m Breaking Now That I’m In ACOA Recovery – (Me too! I’m not ACOA, but I’m lots of other acronyms!)

* 53 Of The Best Opening Sentences In Literature

* The WNBA Finally Recognizes Its Lesbian Fans

* Peach Cobbler Cupcakes – (!!!!)

* Man Treats Mother To Detail About His Personal Life

* Ghosts of DC: Walter Johnson Hosts Event For Hunting Dogs On His Germantown Farm – ( ❤ ❤ ❤ )

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

“A good question to ask myself frequently is: What am I looking for – advice or approval?”

– Anonymous

“We must challenge all who assume that feminine vulnerability is a sign of weakness. For when we do open ourselves up, whether it be by honestly communicating our thoughts and feelings or expressing our emotions, it is a daring act, one that takes more courage and inner strength than the alpha male facade of silence and stoicism.”

– Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman On Sexism And The Scapegoating Of Femininity, Julia Serano

“If we truly want to be taken seriously in our identified sex, then we must not only refuse to indulge cissexual people’s compulsion to pigeon hole us in our assigned sex, but call them out on the way that they continuously objectify our bodies while refusing to take our minds, our persons, and our identities seriously.”

– Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman On Sexism And The Scapegoating Of Femininity, Julia Serano

“Unlike gender dissonance, which is only experienced by trans people, gender entitlement can affect anyone. It is best described as the arrogant conviction that one’s own beliefs, perceptions, and assumptions regarding gender and sexuality are more valid than those of other people. Gender entitlement often leads to gender anxiety, the act of becoming irrationally upset by or being made uncomfortable by the existence of those people who challenge or bring into question one’s gender entitlement.”

– Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman On Sexism And The Scapegoating Of Femininity, Julia Serano

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Links of the Week – May 29, 2015

* Star Trek Garden Gnomes

* The One Way You Should Be Making Pancakes

* Zack Hunt: The Treasonous Love Of Jesus

* Addiction Is As American As Apple Pie

* 5 Obscure Looney Tunes Cartoons

* PostSecret: Children At The Beach

* PostSecret: Bother Losing Weight – (Yep.)

* Cannes Reportedly Turned Away Women For Not Wearing Heels

* The Media’s Sickening Sanders Double Standard: How The Socialist Brings Out Their True Colors – (Fascinating stats tax rates through the years in the US)

* Funfetti Monkey Bread Muffins

* The Pioneer Woman: Peach Salsa

* Healthy Personal Boundaries And How To Establish Them

* Five Crucial Truths About Love Addiction – (Oh look. Someone wrote an article about me. #shame)

* Backstage At The Fox 1929: Projection – (I shit you not, we were using some of this same equipment at Emory in 1995.)

* California Mother Appeals For Support For Transgender Teens After Losing Son To Suicide

* When My Mom Says It’s Dinner Time – (Cute dog alert!)

* Bob’s Burgers Meets Star Trek TNG

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“According to most of these groups [Gnostics], the material world we live in was not the creation of the one true God. It came about as a result of a disaster in the realm, in which one of the (many) divine beings was for some mysterious reason excluded from the heavenly places; as a result of her fall from divinity the material world came to be created by a lesser deity, who captured her and imprisoned her in human bodies here on earth.”

“The pagan critic Celsus particularly mocked Christians on this point, tying the claim that Jesus was a “woodworker” into the fact that he was crucified (on a stake of wood) and the Christian belief in the “tree” of life.

And everywhere they speak in their writings of the tree of life….I imagine because their master was nailed to a cross and was a carpenter by trade. So that if he happened to be thrown off a cliff or pushed into a pit or suffocated by strangling, or if he had been a cobbler or stonemason or blacksmith, there would have been a cliff of life above the heavens, or a pit of resurrection, or a rope of immortality, or a blessed stone, or an iron of love, or a holy hide of leather. Would not an old woman who sings a story to lull a little child to sleep have been ashamed to whisper tales such as these? (Against Celsus 6, 34)”

– Misquoting Jesus, Bart D. Ehrman

“Having Louisa [an au pair] to help me, and being the undisputed head of the household, coming home from work to find dinner on the table and my children excited to see me, their homework done, is a far greater source of freedom and pleasure to me than I ever dared dream of when Dennis lived here. I can depend on Louisa to do what I need her to do without any fuss, whereas having him around was like having a third, half-grown child who demanded sex as well as every other form of attention.”

– The Epicure’s Lament, Kate Christensen

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Links of the Week – April 24, 2015

* Anxiety Coach

* Manage Chronic Worry With Worry Periods

* What The Fuck Should I Make For Dinner?

* Crispy Avocado Fries With Melty Cheese Dip

* Loaded Butterscotch Cheesecake – (OMG!)

* Salted Chocolate Chunk Cookies – (Dead!)

* Dickipedia: Ted Nugent

* Healthy Personal Boundaries & How To Establish Them

* Do Not Obey Your Parents

* Does God Change His Mind?

* Laguna Beach To Sedona

* Evening Sky Tours

* Red Rock State Park

* Star Trek: TNG – Season 2 vs. Season 6 – (Truth.)

* Trek Lessons

* Transgender Man Leads ‘Men’s Health’ Cover Model Contest – (That’s a hot dude!)

* Transgender Teen Wins Case To Wear Makeup In DMV Photo

* Men’s Story Project Questions Gender Roles

* How To Throw Like A Girl

* Lesbian Couple Fired From Aloma Methodist ECLC After Being Told To Change Their Lifestyle

* Seriously, USA?: Most Of You Know I Grew Up With Two Moms – (Blog post of the week. This story will break your heart.)

* Wrigley Field Ivy Yields Ancient Prize

* After 10 Years In The Minors, Paulo Orlando Hit A Triple In His Major League Debut – (Makes my heart happy!)

* Banging For The Bucks; SEC Coaches Edition – (Looks like Richt’s earning his money!)

* NASA’s New Horizons Nears Historic Encounter With Pluto

* Nautilus Ocean Exploration Vehicle Has Rare Sighting Of Sperm Whale – (Awesome in the true sense of the word!)

* Chile’s Calbuco Volcano Erupts For The First Time In 40 Years – (Gorgeous pictures!)

* Emory Unveils Water Recycling Facility

* Kitty Sneaker Boots – (Dawwwwwww!)

* Dazzle Glitter Combat Boots – (THIS!!!)

* The Making Of Dr. Oz

*  ‘I Regret Everything’:Toni Morrison Looks Back On Her Personal Life

* What It’s Like To Have Down Syndrome – And Care For A Sister With Disabilities

* Don’t Tell Me When The Next AA Meeting Is

* Behind The Mixer: Take The 15-Point Church Service Review

* Avoiding “Forever Alone”

* For When You Think No One Will Love You

* I Need To Be Loved So Much, I Want To Be Loved

* Jon Krakauer On Campus Rape, Victim Backlash And Why “Missoula” Was The Hardest Book He’s Had To Write – (Sickening)

* Dakota State Athletics Plays Game Of ‘Dizzy Punt’ – (Hysterical!)

* Spoonflower: Design Your Own Fabric, Wallpaper & Giftwrap

* Oh, God! Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

* Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

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“I never stopped loving you but there came a time I had to start loving me.”

– Christopher Stone

“She gave me an odd look. ‘You’d be surprised, Theo,’ she said, leaning back in her shawl-draped chair, ‘what small, everyday things can lift us out of despair. But nobody can do it for you. You’re the one who has to watch for the open door.'”

– Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

“On game day, until five o’clock or so, the white desert light held off the essential Sunday gloom – autumn sinking into winter, loneliness of October dusk with school the next day – but there was always a long still moment toward the end of those football afternoons where the mood of the crowd turned and everything grew desolate and uncertain, onscreen and off, the sheet-metal glare off the patio glass fading to gold then gray, long shadows and night falling into desert stillness, a sadness I couldn’t shake off…”

– Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

“We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves.”

– Francois De La Rochefoucauld

“I was terrified of death by the time I was three or four, actively if not lucidly. I had frequent nightmares about snakes and scary neighbors. By the age of four or five, I was terrified by my thoughts. By the time I was five, the migraines began. I was so sensitive about myself and the world that I cried or shriveled up at the slightest hurt. People always told me, ‘You’ve got to get a thicker skin,’ like now they might say, jovially, ‘Let go and let God.’ Believe me, if I could, I would, and in the meantime I feel like stabbing you in the forehead.”

– Anne Lamott, Help, Thanks, Wow

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